Life and Time

For over 3 months, I have been completely M.I.A. I have not so much as peeked at this website, let along logged in and drafted a post. While I have been struggling to balance the overwhelming amount of things I have to do vs. what I want to do, I have neglected to use this space as a means for reflection. That said, I have been pondering many interrelated things (i.e. religion, personal choice, achieving goals, etc) and how it is that many of us have such “potential” and drive, yet leave so much undone. What I have come to learn is that the two most interrelated parts of our life are in conflict constantly. That is Life and Time.

 

From the moment we are aware of our autonomy, we are bombarded with options, opportunities, and obstacles, all vying for our time, and all equally appealing in their own way. I could spend the afternoon cleaning up the backyard, or I could spend the afternoon resting from a long week. No matter the ultimate decision, we are always left with at least a mild feeling of regret for not having chosen the other option, and the continuous inner guilt cycle is born and continues throughout our life. My life has become a continuous cycle of guilt, despite being able to pat myself on the back for the little, relatively speaking, that I felt I accomplished. This feeling has morphed into what I feel is an undiagnosed case of insomnia that strips me of energy from the minute I step into the office. And rather than get myself back on a normal circadian rhythm, I instead hope to make up for the outside of work activities that I have neglected by working late to make up my slow performance throughout the day. The result is that I feel tired, overworked, and under-accomplished. Every. Single. Day.

 

As my birthday approaches, I have decided to make a conscious effort to “do”. I spent the last 3 months thinking about doing to the point where I forgot what I was thinking to do and never quite did. I want this year to be the year that I plant the seeds for the greatness that I want for my future, and the only way that I can accomplish this is  by doing. The greatest golfers did not get that way by thinking about golf. They went out and practiced and played. The greatest programmers did not develop the apps that changed our lives forever by just thinking about what could be done, they did it.

 

As I mentioned earlier, part of the interrelated thinking I had included religion, and what it means to walk in your faith. As I listened to the pastor speak about the struggle that it would be to walk in my faith, I have to ask myself whether or not this is a walk I want to take (and it is) and if knowing that the only guaranteed outcome of that struggle is the bear witness, is it still worth it (I think it is). So the same can be said about personal goals.  Even if I knew I was not going to make a million dollars striving to accomplish my goals, is not part of the point the journey (or bearing witness) part of what makes me do it?

 

We are all given the same short 24 hours in a day. In the constant battle of Life vs. Time, we strive to pack as much into said life as time will permit. Unfortunately for those loved ones we lose too soon, Time decides to run out long before that Life is allowed to really grow. And we ALL know that nothing is guaranteed except death (and taxes!), the best we can do is not waste this time that we will never know the amount we possess until it is too late.

 

So here I am. Having wasted many months, I channel the regret of the wasted time into the lessons learned for the future. I recently made a pact with myself to quit eating sweets  indefinitely until I accomplish a personal goal of starting my own company. While I have passed up on so many lovely treats, just the thought of what I want to accomplish and all that it will bring me, personally and professionally, is more than enough to keep me satiated for the time being. But I don’t want to waste any more of my life, or time for that matter. I hope you don’t either.

 

— Nel

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